Relationships—whether parent-child, siblings, friends, or colleagues—form a significant part of human life. They often seem to give meaning to what one does, and even to one’s very sense of existence.
Naturally, one wants relationships to be harmonious, enjoyable, and enriching. Every human being seeks relationships that elevate and support growth. For this reason, clarity in handling relationships is essential. Without such clarity, much time and energy are wasted in relationships that are unhelpful or even detrimental.
Certain relationships, such as those with parents and relatives, are inherited. They come to us without much choice, shaped by past karma. These must be accepted as they are.
On the other hand, relationships such as friendships or marriage involve choice. Here, the challenge lies in choosing wisely—so that the relationship contributes to one’s growth and becomes a source of enrichment.
Ideally, such relationships should have a spiritual basis, where both individuals place importance on inner growth. When this is so, the companionship becomes meaningful and supportive.
In choosing a partner, people often look for alignment in character, priorities, and aspirations. While this is sensible, an ideal match—or what is commonly called a “soul mate”—is extremely rare.
Even when there appears to be alignment initially, priorities can change over time. When they do, conflict arises.
If the foundation of the relationship is purely material—based on achievements, desires, or external success—the problem is inevitable. Desires are endless, goals keep shifting, and eventually one is left with dissatisfaction or even a sense of emptiness. In such a situation, the relationship too suffers.
Thus, the universal challenge remains: how to build a relationship that is stable, harmonious, and fulfilling.
From a spiritual standpoint, a relationship cannot be centred on physical attraction. Physical attraction fades with time. When it is the primary basis, the mind becomes restless and seeks novelty, often leading to dissatisfaction or even infidelity.
The tradition therefore places importance on brahmacarya (discipline with regard to sense pleasures), indicating the need to gradually outgrow the pressure of physical craving.
For most people, total celibacy is not practical. However, one must understand physical desire as a biological and psychological impulse—something to be handled with maturity, not indulged endlessly.
Even within marriage, physical desire should gradually take a secondary place. It should not remain the central basis of the relationship.
Ideally, both partners would recognise this and support each other in growing out of dependence on physical intimacy. When this happens, a deeper sense of togetherness emerges—one that is not dependent on physical expression.
Without a spiritual orientation, this shift is difficult.
When one is spiritually inclined, it is beneficial to seek a partner with a similar disposition. Upbringing plays an important role here. A value-based and spiritually oriented upbringing contributes to emotional maturity and clarity in priorities.
When both partners value inner growth, the relationship naturally becomes supportive. Material needs are acknowledged and fulfilled, but they do not dominate.
In such a relationship:
- both understand each other’s needs
- both support each other’s growth
- neither is driven purely by personal demands
In contrast, many relationships are centred on mutual expectations—each person wanting the other to fulfil their desires. This leads to dissatisfaction, conflict, and continuous friction.
A relationship cannot sustain itself on demands. It requires space, understanding, and freedom.
In practical life, however, it is common that one partner is spiritually inclined while the other is not.
This creates a challenge.
If the other person is strongly driven by material aspirations (saṁskāras), it becomes difficult to bring alignment. The spiritually inclined person may feel unsupported or even frustrated. Conflict arises because both are moving in different directions.
In such situations, one must continue one’s own pursuit without giving it up. One can hope that the other person may gradually gain clarity.
If that does not happen, one must still not abandon the pursuit of Self-knowledge. Giving up something so fundamental due to another’s resistance is not wise.
It is equally important not to enter into relationships for superficial reasons such as:
- Fear of growing older without a partner
- Pressure from parents
- Comparison with peers who are already married
- Desire for security in old age
These may appear reasonable, but often lead to unsuitable relationships and long-term dissatisfaction.
It is better to wait for a suitable alignment than to enter a relationship out of compulsion or fear.
Summary
Relationships can either support one’s growth or become a source of limitation.
When guided by clarity and supported by a spiritual outlook, they become a means for maturity and inner growth. When driven by attachment, desire, and expectation, they lead to conflict and dissatisfaction.
The role of spirituality is to bring the required clarity, maturity, and perspective—so that relationships are handled wisely and do not obstruct one’s pursuit of Self-knowledge.